Monday, March 23, 2009

Healthy People Eat Dirt

On Sunday, Kimmy and I (accompanied by her mom and sister) went to Mama Jean's natural market on the south side of our very own Springfield, Missouri. We like to cook here and there (well, I mainly stand in the kitchen and talk), so we figured we would acquire and try some new spices and such. We didn't.

Mama Jean's turned out to be one of those places. People wearing deliberately strange clothes wandered the aisles plucking obscure oils and roots off shelves so they could make sure that only natural things straight from God's teat entered their mouths. Grown adults were picking up cereals with names a seven year-old would mock. Hell, there was even this teenage kid wearing all black to counteract his washed out blonde hair who was waving his arms about in time with a Pet Shop Boys song. When they were done, they all marched in lockstep to their gigantic gas-guzzling SUVs and hopped in, ready to really give it to the very earth they claim to dedicate their lives to. Fuck them. Anyway, you get the point. You can see it. So here are a few products I managed to take pictures of, along with a quick synopsis of each. Needless to say, I didn't buy any of this shit.

Don't you just hate it when you get up to eat breakfast in the morning and your waffles and pancakes taste good? Guess what, everyone! Mama Jean's has the answer to your conundrum! It's Organic Buckwheat Waffle and Pancake Mix! No longer will you have to endure another morning of honest-to-God "delicious" waffles or pancakes, because this product will ensure that anything you make tastes like chalk and has a nice, turdy aftertaste. Thanks, Mama Jean! You're the best!

Is your baby putting his mouth on everything to try and cut his burgeoning teeth? Well have we got a solution for you! It's Earth's Best Barley Teething Biscuits! After lil' Bobby puts his budding chompers on this, he'll never have the desire to chew on anything ever again (assuming he lives)!

Whoa! Straight from Barbara's, the makers of Shit Loops, comes Organic Wild Puffs, the tastiest thing to ever grace your spoon in the morning! I mean, just look at that crazy-ass bird on the front of the box! His beak didn't turn unnatural, harmful colors on its own! Go get your own box

Long day at the office? Need a snack? Also need to make sure your movements are regular? Bobo's Coconut Oat Bars are sure to take on all your daily hunger and poo managing needs! Just down one in a hurry (you don't want to actually taste it), and you won't drop a number two for months, maybe even years!

Have you ever wondered why there are so few reported murders in France? Have you also felt the deep yearning your tummy has for a delicious dessert snack? Kill two birds (or ladies, wink wink) with one cookie by buying French Lady Fingers! Made with real French lady fingers,
French Lady Fingers are sure to stave off hunger and fulfill that cannibalism fantasy you've always had but never admitted. So head on down to Mama Jean's and bite the hand that feeds!

Poor hermits. They're so reclusive. Not! You just never see them because you're too busy fucking eating them, asshole!

Do you ever finding yourself wishing you had a delicious breakfast cereal that smelled strongly of throw up and birdseed? And don't you wish that once you had such a cereal you could share it with a 42 year-old mother of three that fantasizes about Pat Sajak and a 56 year-old Asian man who's been to jail a couple of times on misdemeanor charges? From the same minds that brought you Honey Nut Nuts 'n' Blood comes Good Friends, the cereal that delivers on that pungent order you so desire, AND lets you stare at those aforementioned citizens you so badly wish you knew. It's a win-win!

Shudder. My solution to all of you savvy shoppers out there? Don't spend big bucks on Mama Jean's overpriced "gourmet products. Ask yourself: what would Clint Eastwood consume? I know I did, and the answer is below. For those playing at home, I give you Spaghettios and beer. Everyone enjoy your Tuesday.

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