I'm hardly making a revolutionary point here, but what exactly does a manager do to help a baseball team? I was watching the Cardinals/Reds game earlier this evening and I noticed that Dusty Baker was batting Wily Tavares in the leadoff spot, thus ensuring that the Reds lineup would make more outs and make them as quickly as possible. Of course, not all managers are this stupid. We are talking about Dusty Baker here, a legendary proponent of all that is "old school," "scrappy," and "dumb as fuck." There are better managers out there. While he may be a bit boneheaded at times, at least Cardinal manager Tony La Russa isn't quite on big Dusty's level. After the Reds 7-2 victory over my Redbirds, I had the fortune of sitting down with Tony for a one-on-one chat on what makes him tick.*
*This conversation did not actually take place in any universe other than the one that is inside my own head, but I do believe it to be an accurate simulation of what might have actually been said.
Brian Vaughan: Hi, Tony, how are you this evening?
Tony La Russa: Well, Brian, I'm doing fine. Our guys played as hard as they could tonight but we just couldn't come up with the win. Joel looked great out there except for the three really long home runs he gave up.
BV: Speaking of Joel Pineiro, do you think his recent struggles are an indication that perhaps he is reverting back to his old peformance level?
TLR: That's just ridiculous. Joel has given us a lot all season, and it would be crazy to think that the five good months he has turned in this season are a fluke just because of several bad years before it. Next question.
BV: Okay, Tony, I'm sorry if I sort of hit a nerve there. I'll move on to a more positive question. A lot of people think Adam Wainwright's awesome 2009 will earn him his first Cy Young award. Do you think he picks up his 20th win Friday against the Brewers?
TLR: I don't want to comment on individual accomplishments. Individual performance has nothing to do with team success at all. We're not out there to win ball games, we're out there to try as hard as we can and stay scrappy and hard-nosed.
BV: I really don't think it's possible for a team to be successful without an individual performing, Tony. Could you elaborate on that theory?
TLR: Well, a player can contribute, but not with things like home runs or a good strikeout-to-walk ratio. The only way a player can help his team win is by bunting, hustling, staying gritty, and being over 35.
BV: Um, okay. Uh, next question, I guess. Is there any team that really scares you in a short post-season series?
TLR: Ryan Franklin is our closer. I'm tired of you reporters always asking me. He has been dominating all season, and a few blown saves are ot going to change his status as one of the game's best. Just like with Joel, you try to overshadow his months of success with the flimsy argument that he had a few bad years before that. I just don't get it. Ryan is our guy.
BV: Tony, I was, I wanted to know what team might be imposing to you in a playoff series. I didn't ask about Ryan Franklin. I'm sorry for the confusion.
TLR: Ryan is our guy, bud. One more question about him and I'm ending this interview. You wouldn't ask Joe Girardi if he was planning on pulling Mariano Rivera from the closer's role, would you? La Russa then sighed and wiped his brow.
BV: Never mind. Okay. I'll, um, I'll just move on. Albert's contract is up here in a couple of years. Do you think the team will start making attempts to lock him up for a long time?
TLR: We don't really think about those types of things. That's a long way down the road. We don't worry about things in the future, we can only worry about hustling and playing with heart for the rest of this season.
BV: So you aren't worried at all about losing one of the best players in baseball history?
TLR: Skip is still under the team's control for a little while, so I'm not worried at all. He'll be wearing a Cardinal jersey on the day of his Hall of Fame induction.
BV: But I was talking about-never mind. I'll try something else again, something lighter. You've been sporting those tinted glasses and that shaggy hair cut since the 1970s now; any chance you make a change soon?
TLR: It's only the third year of the '70s, man. Give me a break.
BV: Tony, who is the president of the United States right now?
TLR: Richard Nixon. What kind of reporter are you? I mean, I know you're not exactly Cronkite, but surely you know who runs the country. You have to have television by now. We've had it since '51 now.
BV: So if I was to tell you that I was posting this interview on the internet, what would you say?
TLR: The what? What are you talking about?
BV: The internet, Tony. It's a global information system using computers. Anyone can use it. It's basically the present and the future of the whole fucking world.
TLR: I have to go.
BV: Tony, I have more questions. Tony...
TLR: Alien! Alien! Future man! No! You will not have me! No!
Tony then bolted out of the clubhouse, leaving me all alone with nothing but a tape recorder and a clouded mind. I tried to contact those close to Tony, but was told to "stay away, you dark devil." Hopefully my next interview will go better.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Monday, August 24, 2009
An Era of Productivity...
...is what I appear to be in. Three posts in roughly a week? Holy shit! Anyway, I watched a movie. Here's what I think.
Adventureland (2009)
Starring: Jesse Eisenberg, Kristen Stewart, Martin Starr, Margarita Levieva, Ryan Reynolds, Bill Hader, Kristin Wiig
Directed by: Greg Mottola
Rating: 7.5 (out of 10)
Certain things are very difficult to capture on film, and one of those things is the fleeting feeling that your life is changing and entering into a new era. It's a feeling just about anyone with any emotional intuitiveness has felt wholly. It possesses an exciting but terrifying presence that just overwhelms you at once and won't let go until it just slowly fades away into the comfort and sometimes complacence that time brings. Fortunately, Adventureland just nails that feeling, a fact that alone makes it worth spending your time on.
The film opens in 1987 with recent college graduate James Brennan (Jesse Eisenberg) sharing his excitement with a close friend about their upcoming summer trip to Europe, which is immediately to be followed by beginning graduate school at Columbia. Everything seems directly lined up for James' life to take off in the path he's made for himself. Soon, though, things begin to go vastly awry. First, James' parents let him know over lunch that things have been rough for them financially of late, and that James isn't going to receive his graduation gift as planned. What was the graduation gift in question? His trip to Europe. Completely devastated about having to spend his last summer before grad school at home in Pittsburgh, James later gets the news that the lack of money has gotten worse, and even a semester at Columbia isn't going to be possible. Without any other way of getting where he wants to be, James decides to take a meaningless summer job at Adventureland, a local summer carnival.
At the carnival, James makes several friends. First there's Joel (Martin Starr), who he works directly with in the games department, Em (Kristen Stewart), another games girl he begins to fall for, Mike Connell (Ryan Reynolds), a slightly older maintenance man whose life is marred by lies and infidelity, and Lisa P (Margarita Leviera), the girl everyone has a crush on. All of these characters are created with love and drawn out carefully. No matter what we think of their actions, there's not one of them we don't at least feel something for.
The key here is that director and writer Mottola makes sure no one is a vacuous, generalized character. A less intelligent and talented writer would have taken the easy way out. James could have easily been an awkward literature nerd who is too shy to do anything or meet anyone and then overcomes this with flying colors by movie's end. But Mottola realizes this isn't realistic, and it's not interesting. James is outlined as a sometimes awkward literature nerd, but he has abundant feelings and opinions, he isn't terribly afraid of girls, he drinks and smokes pot from time to time, and he even gets in a fight when it's completely necessary. He is far from a cardboard cutout. The same can be said for Kristen Stewart's Em, a girl who is clearly intelligent and attractive, but isn't even close to believing in herself. While she has plenty of angst, Em isn't just an angry punk kid with a gruff exterior that she eventually sheds. She's a very complicated person who is deeply afraid to let herself feel as happy around James as she does because she doesn't feel like she deserves it.
Mottola also freely allows his characters to make realistic mistakes that reinforce the fact that Adventureland is head and shoulders above its peers in the genre. We find out quickly that Em has been having a periodic sexual relationship with Mike Connell. Most movies would make this into a dirty spectacle of moral outrage. Adventureland certainly does not. Em is doing this because she hates herself and Connell, as messed up as it is, makes her feel cared about. It's implied that Connell is doing roughly the same thing, looking for the companionship an empty marriage isn't giving him, but only semi-realizing that he is taking of advantage of someone in the process. Even James, who is amazingly nice and we constantly root for, goes on a date with Lisa P while his love for Em is still blooming. None of this would be effective if the movie's characters weren't so three dimensional.
Another thing Adventureland succeeds wildly in doing is feeling like a certain time and place. Set mostly at the carnival itself, the movie uses a 1980s indie rock soundtrack and awful '80s clothing trends to help heighten the sense of where this is. None of this is done carelessly or in an over-the-top manner. In fact, the music and backdrops used help to accentuate the life-changing feelings most of these characters are having, just as we all associate certain songs and places with certain periods in our life. You just get the sense that this is the summer all of these characters are going to remember when they reflect back on their lives.
Despite no major setbacks, there are a couple of things that just don't fit well within the movie's atmosphere. On hand to play a couple who runs Adventureland, Bill Hader and Kristen Wiig often appear in the movie solely for punchlines, and most of the time it feels forced and out of place, like it would have been more at home in Mottola's last outing (Superbad). Both featured sets of parents in the movie are also a bit underwhelming. James's mom and dad don't seem the least bit remorseful about his dreams going up in flames, and Em's dad and stepmom both appear as awful selfish people who don't know she exists until she acts out ferociously. Despite this, Adventureland is a fantastically crafted coming-of-age story that has nothing to do with high school, jocks, nerds, or anything like that. It lands much closer to real life, and as a result hits much closer to home. As far as I'm concerned, that's a noteworthy achievement.
Adventureland (2009)
Starring: Jesse Eisenberg, Kristen Stewart, Martin Starr, Margarita Levieva, Ryan Reynolds, Bill Hader, Kristin Wiig
Directed by: Greg Mottola
Rating: 7.5 (out of 10)
Certain things are very difficult to capture on film, and one of those things is the fleeting feeling that your life is changing and entering into a new era. It's a feeling just about anyone with any emotional intuitiveness has felt wholly. It possesses an exciting but terrifying presence that just overwhelms you at once and won't let go until it just slowly fades away into the comfort and sometimes complacence that time brings. Fortunately, Adventureland just nails that feeling, a fact that alone makes it worth spending your time on.
The film opens in 1987 with recent college graduate James Brennan (Jesse Eisenberg) sharing his excitement with a close friend about their upcoming summer trip to Europe, which is immediately to be followed by beginning graduate school at Columbia. Everything seems directly lined up for James' life to take off in the path he's made for himself. Soon, though, things begin to go vastly awry. First, James' parents let him know over lunch that things have been rough for them financially of late, and that James isn't going to receive his graduation gift as planned. What was the graduation gift in question? His trip to Europe. Completely devastated about having to spend his last summer before grad school at home in Pittsburgh, James later gets the news that the lack of money has gotten worse, and even a semester at Columbia isn't going to be possible. Without any other way of getting where he wants to be, James decides to take a meaningless summer job at Adventureland, a local summer carnival.
At the carnival, James makes several friends. First there's Joel (Martin Starr), who he works directly with in the games department, Em (Kristen Stewart), another games girl he begins to fall for, Mike Connell (Ryan Reynolds), a slightly older maintenance man whose life is marred by lies and infidelity, and Lisa P (Margarita Leviera), the girl everyone has a crush on. All of these characters are created with love and drawn out carefully. No matter what we think of their actions, there's not one of them we don't at least feel something for.
The key here is that director and writer Mottola makes sure no one is a vacuous, generalized character. A less intelligent and talented writer would have taken the easy way out. James could have easily been an awkward literature nerd who is too shy to do anything or meet anyone and then overcomes this with flying colors by movie's end. But Mottola realizes this isn't realistic, and it's not interesting. James is outlined as a sometimes awkward literature nerd, but he has abundant feelings and opinions, he isn't terribly afraid of girls, he drinks and smokes pot from time to time, and he even gets in a fight when it's completely necessary. He is far from a cardboard cutout. The same can be said for Kristen Stewart's Em, a girl who is clearly intelligent and attractive, but isn't even close to believing in herself. While she has plenty of angst, Em isn't just an angry punk kid with a gruff exterior that she eventually sheds. She's a very complicated person who is deeply afraid to let herself feel as happy around James as she does because she doesn't feel like she deserves it.
Mottola also freely allows his characters to make realistic mistakes that reinforce the fact that Adventureland is head and shoulders above its peers in the genre. We find out quickly that Em has been having a periodic sexual relationship with Mike Connell. Most movies would make this into a dirty spectacle of moral outrage. Adventureland certainly does not. Em is doing this because she hates herself and Connell, as messed up as it is, makes her feel cared about. It's implied that Connell is doing roughly the same thing, looking for the companionship an empty marriage isn't giving him, but only semi-realizing that he is taking of advantage of someone in the process. Even James, who is amazingly nice and we constantly root for, goes on a date with Lisa P while his love for Em is still blooming. None of this would be effective if the movie's characters weren't so three dimensional.
Another thing Adventureland succeeds wildly in doing is feeling like a certain time and place. Set mostly at the carnival itself, the movie uses a 1980s indie rock soundtrack and awful '80s clothing trends to help heighten the sense of where this is. None of this is done carelessly or in an over-the-top manner. In fact, the music and backdrops used help to accentuate the life-changing feelings most of these characters are having, just as we all associate certain songs and places with certain periods in our life. You just get the sense that this is the summer all of these characters are going to remember when they reflect back on their lives.
Despite no major setbacks, there are a couple of things that just don't fit well within the movie's atmosphere. On hand to play a couple who runs Adventureland, Bill Hader and Kristen Wiig often appear in the movie solely for punchlines, and most of the time it feels forced and out of place, like it would have been more at home in Mottola's last outing (Superbad). Both featured sets of parents in the movie are also a bit underwhelming. James's mom and dad don't seem the least bit remorseful about his dreams going up in flames, and Em's dad and stepmom both appear as awful selfish people who don't know she exists until she acts out ferociously. Despite this, Adventureland is a fantastically crafted coming-of-age story that has nothing to do with high school, jocks, nerds, or anything like that. It lands much closer to real life, and as a result hits much closer to home. As far as I'm concerned, that's a noteworthy achievement.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
The John Smoltz Signing: A Complete Analysis
Still searching for some help in their surprisingly awesome starting rotation, the Cardinals picked up the freshly-released John Smoltz today to man the number five spot. Clearly the Cards are hoping Dave Duncan works some of his good ol' fashioned pitcher-fixin' magic, because Smoltz was thoroughly terrible in Boston after returning from yet another injury. Over the course of 40 gross innings, the future hall of famer has struck out 33 and only walked nine, which is cool until you see the rest of the 42 year-old's numbers. Perhaps the reason Smoltz has kept his walk total so low is that opposing teams have been too busy hitting the shit out of the ball to bother with taking pitches. Smoltz has been raped to the tune of a .343 batting average against, complete with 59 hits (eight of them home runs) in those 40 innings worked. Even more unimpressive is the fact that Smoltz has allowed 37 earned runs thus far, good for a Lima-esque 8.33 ERA. This sounds like exactly what the Cardinals need to stave off the competition and hold on to first place in the NL Central! It's like John Mozeliak read my mind!
Wait a second, though. Maybe I'm being a bit pessimistic. After all, Smoltz is moving from the ridiculously stacked American League East to the much less talented National League Central. Plus, Smoltzy flourished and built his legendary career as an Atlanta Brave in the league he is now headed to. After discussing this transaction with Spencer Hendricks, baseball expert and creator of the infinitely influential Sprayahen.com, we decided we should make a list of ten things that are unquestionably positive about the Smoltz acquistion. After all, we like to think of ourselves as "glass half full" kind of guys. So here are the things we believe John Smoltz represents for the Cardinals:
1.) A lights-out, one-out specialist when the opposing pitcher is batting. "There's real value in a guy who can be counted on to retire the worst hitter in the lineup when the game is really on the line," former teammate and leading advocate for Smoltz's acquisition Mark De Rosa insisted urgently. "Please don't compare my stats with Chris Perez since I was traded for him. That's just embarrassing."
2.) A way for Colby Rasmus's dad to save 15% on lumber from Home Depot. "I remembered seein' John on them commericals with all them lawnmowers a couple years back, and I remembered that my daddy was tryin' to finish his deck back home," recalled rookie standout Colby Rasmus. "Now at first I didn't put two and six together, but after I did I figured John could probably help out daddy by gettin' that wood a little cheaper. I just went up to Tony and asked him real nice if we could get John to be on our team and he said that would be okay and patted me on my head."
3.) A veteran La Russa can pretend makes a difference simply because of his tenure. "Honestly," La Russa finally admitted after years of speculation," I don't really even write a lineup card or fill out a pitching staff based on names or stats or anything. I just look at two things: age and experience. Sometimes I get a little risky and play someone just for the hell of it. The truth is, Albert never would have gotten a chance in the first place if I didn't secretly have a feeling he was 39 all the way back in his rookie season. He just had that look, you know. The look of a liar. Plus, you know how those Dominicans are with their age. It's not their fault they never tell the truth about it. I don't even think they have birthdays in that country." La Russa's tirade went on for a while longer and was said to have involved several subtle references of a homosexual nature to both Skip Schumaker and Rick Ankiel.
4.) A logical mentor for Brad Thompson. "We feel like John's knowledge of the game will be very beneficial to a lot of our pitching staff, especially a guy like Brad Thompson," pitching coach Dave Duncan said shortly after the signing. "See, Smoltz can really give Brad some perspective on how to pitch once you literally have no stuff at all, once your fastball is just straight and boring and slower than Jamie Moyer's. Of course it took John twenty years to get to that point and Bra just sort of started out that way, but you get what I'm saying. They're similar pitchers now," Duncan continued. "They certainly weren't a couple of years ago, though. God, no. Smoltz had that nasty slider and hard fastball with all that movement. Brad has never had any of that. Brad's awful. What am I supposed to do with him? Why does Tony keep him on the roster? If Tony and I hadn't been lovers for so long, I wouldn't put up with this." Duncan then looked awkwardly from side to side and quietly left the room.
5.) Another pinch-hitting option for when the Cardinal roster consists of only six position players and 19 pitchers. "Sure, it's very likely the Cardinals realize there's not much left when it comes to Smoltz and his old, sad arm," renowned broadcaster Rick Sutcliffe analyzed. "But that's not to say he can't still lift the lumber. Have you seen that beard? What a lumberjack! There's no reason, no reason at all he couldn't club 20, 25 homers down the stretch for the Devil Birds. If they really wanted to make a splash in their rotation, of course, they'd obviously have signed me."
6.) A way to prolong the career of former Cardinal fan favorite David Eckstein. "We kind of figure that if we're playing the Padres and we have a big lead, which against the Padres most teams do, we could put John in there to face Eckstein. David hasn't had a lot of success since he left us, and I'd really love to see him crank a couple of extra-base hits and hang around the big leagues a little longer," manager Tony La Russa speculated Wednesday. "And John's just the man to give up those hits. I mean, if I looked at stats ever I would know he gave up about a hit and a half per inning with the Red Sox this year."
7.) An interesting extracurricular science project for his teammates. In between innings, on flights from city to city, or even just on a rainy Monday afternoon off day, the players can gather 'round and study the repeatedly surgically repaired body of John Smoltz. Think of it as a hands-on way to appreciate the miracle of modern science. "No way this guy would still be alive at his condition 50 years ago, " outfielder Colby Rasmus, born just two years before Smoltz's rookie season, was heard musing.
8.) A new way to feed Dave Duncan's ego. With Chris Carpenter and Adam Wainwright both in the Cy Young race this season, pitching coach Dave Duncan has been feeling a bit neglected by the mainstream media. "I'm really used to some random pitcher having half a season that's way over his head and me getting credit for that," Duncan told a local media outlet earlier this morning. "But everyone knows Carp and Wainwright are both legitimately good, and that I didn't do anything to get them there this year. With Smoltz on board, now I've got something to work with. I'll have him back to mid-90s form within a week. All he has to do is throw a sinker all the time and keep the ball down. And drop even more off that fastball if possible. It never fails." Duncan became frustrated after the reporter asked about Kip Wells and later left the interview after being questioned about Rick Ankiel's pitching career. "It never fails!" Duncan was heard screaming as he drove away.
9.) An opportunity for fans and players alike to relive the 1996 season, when Smoltz had the greatest year in pitcher history. "Back in '96," Smoltz will be heard muttering numerous times while watching from the dugout as the bullpen cleans up the remaining seven innings of a game in which he surrendered 14 home runs in just 38 pitches, "this field would be littered with the corpses of my enemies, all of them slain by my filthy, filthy slider." John's eyes grow distant and then misty as he removes the towel previously wrapped around his aching shoulders and covers his ancient face, sobs racking his body and threatening to send him to the DL.
10.) An easier way for Albert Pujols to win the 2010 home run derby. After being eliminated in the second round of this year's home run derby at the All-Star game in St. Louis, Cardinals star Albert Pujols felt humiliated and embarassed. Realizing the pain his best player was feeling, general manager John Mozeliak quickly signed Smoltz as soon as he became available. "I could just tell Albert was frustrated out there this year. I want Albert to be a Cardinal for life, and we're going to do whatever we can to make sure he's happy. Albert really wants to win another home run derby, and next year is the year," asserted St. Louis general manager John Mozeliak. "We kind of felt like the batting practice pitcher was throwing a little too hard, and like he had a little too much movement on his pitches. That's a big reason why we brought in Smoltzy, to take his place as Albert's derby pitcher in Anaheim next year. John couldn't throw it past Chris Duncan if he tried, let alone Albert," Mozeliak chuckled.
Wait a second, though. Maybe I'm being a bit pessimistic. After all, Smoltz is moving from the ridiculously stacked American League East to the much less talented National League Central. Plus, Smoltzy flourished and built his legendary career as an Atlanta Brave in the league he is now headed to. After discussing this transaction with Spencer Hendricks, baseball expert and creator of the infinitely influential Sprayahen.com, we decided we should make a list of ten things that are unquestionably positive about the Smoltz acquistion. After all, we like to think of ourselves as "glass half full" kind of guys. So here are the things we believe John Smoltz represents for the Cardinals:
1.) A lights-out, one-out specialist when the opposing pitcher is batting. "There's real value in a guy who can be counted on to retire the worst hitter in the lineup when the game is really on the line," former teammate and leading advocate for Smoltz's acquisition Mark De Rosa insisted urgently. "Please don't compare my stats with Chris Perez since I was traded for him. That's just embarrassing."
2.) A way for Colby Rasmus's dad to save 15% on lumber from Home Depot. "I remembered seein' John on them commericals with all them lawnmowers a couple years back, and I remembered that my daddy was tryin' to finish his deck back home," recalled rookie standout Colby Rasmus. "Now at first I didn't put two and six together, but after I did I figured John could probably help out daddy by gettin' that wood a little cheaper. I just went up to Tony and asked him real nice if we could get John to be on our team and he said that would be okay and patted me on my head."
3.) A veteran La Russa can pretend makes a difference simply because of his tenure. "Honestly," La Russa finally admitted after years of speculation," I don't really even write a lineup card or fill out a pitching staff based on names or stats or anything. I just look at two things: age and experience. Sometimes I get a little risky and play someone just for the hell of it. The truth is, Albert never would have gotten a chance in the first place if I didn't secretly have a feeling he was 39 all the way back in his rookie season. He just had that look, you know. The look of a liar. Plus, you know how those Dominicans are with their age. It's not their fault they never tell the truth about it. I don't even think they have birthdays in that country." La Russa's tirade went on for a while longer and was said to have involved several subtle references of a homosexual nature to both Skip Schumaker and Rick Ankiel.
4.) A logical mentor for Brad Thompson. "We feel like John's knowledge of the game will be very beneficial to a lot of our pitching staff, especially a guy like Brad Thompson," pitching coach Dave Duncan said shortly after the signing. "See, Smoltz can really give Brad some perspective on how to pitch once you literally have no stuff at all, once your fastball is just straight and boring and slower than Jamie Moyer's. Of course it took John twenty years to get to that point and Bra just sort of started out that way, but you get what I'm saying. They're similar pitchers now," Duncan continued. "They certainly weren't a couple of years ago, though. God, no. Smoltz had that nasty slider and hard fastball with all that movement. Brad has never had any of that. Brad's awful. What am I supposed to do with him? Why does Tony keep him on the roster? If Tony and I hadn't been lovers for so long, I wouldn't put up with this." Duncan then looked awkwardly from side to side and quietly left the room.
5.) Another pinch-hitting option for when the Cardinal roster consists of only six position players and 19 pitchers. "Sure, it's very likely the Cardinals realize there's not much left when it comes to Smoltz and his old, sad arm," renowned broadcaster Rick Sutcliffe analyzed. "But that's not to say he can't still lift the lumber. Have you seen that beard? What a lumberjack! There's no reason, no reason at all he couldn't club 20, 25 homers down the stretch for the Devil Birds. If they really wanted to make a splash in their rotation, of course, they'd obviously have signed me."
6.) A way to prolong the career of former Cardinal fan favorite David Eckstein. "We kind of figure that if we're playing the Padres and we have a big lead, which against the Padres most teams do, we could put John in there to face Eckstein. David hasn't had a lot of success since he left us, and I'd really love to see him crank a couple of extra-base hits and hang around the big leagues a little longer," manager Tony La Russa speculated Wednesday. "And John's just the man to give up those hits. I mean, if I looked at stats ever I would know he gave up about a hit and a half per inning with the Red Sox this year."
7.) An interesting extracurricular science project for his teammates. In between innings, on flights from city to city, or even just on a rainy Monday afternoon off day, the players can gather 'round and study the repeatedly surgically repaired body of John Smoltz. Think of it as a hands-on way to appreciate the miracle of modern science. "No way this guy would still be alive at his condition 50 years ago, " outfielder Colby Rasmus, born just two years before Smoltz's rookie season, was heard musing.
8.) A new way to feed Dave Duncan's ego. With Chris Carpenter and Adam Wainwright both in the Cy Young race this season, pitching coach Dave Duncan has been feeling a bit neglected by the mainstream media. "I'm really used to some random pitcher having half a season that's way over his head and me getting credit for that," Duncan told a local media outlet earlier this morning. "But everyone knows Carp and Wainwright are both legitimately good, and that I didn't do anything to get them there this year. With Smoltz on board, now I've got something to work with. I'll have him back to mid-90s form within a week. All he has to do is throw a sinker all the time and keep the ball down. And drop even more off that fastball if possible. It never fails." Duncan became frustrated after the reporter asked about Kip Wells and later left the interview after being questioned about Rick Ankiel's pitching career. "It never fails!" Duncan was heard screaming as he drove away.
9.) An opportunity for fans and players alike to relive the 1996 season, when Smoltz had the greatest year in pitcher history. "Back in '96," Smoltz will be heard muttering numerous times while watching from the dugout as the bullpen cleans up the remaining seven innings of a game in which he surrendered 14 home runs in just 38 pitches, "this field would be littered with the corpses of my enemies, all of them slain by my filthy, filthy slider." John's eyes grow distant and then misty as he removes the towel previously wrapped around his aching shoulders and covers his ancient face, sobs racking his body and threatening to send him to the DL.
10.) An easier way for Albert Pujols to win the 2010 home run derby. After being eliminated in the second round of this year's home run derby at the All-Star game in St. Louis, Cardinals star Albert Pujols felt humiliated and embarassed. Realizing the pain his best player was feeling, general manager John Mozeliak quickly signed Smoltz as soon as he became available. "I could just tell Albert was frustrated out there this year. I want Albert to be a Cardinal for life, and we're going to do whatever we can to make sure he's happy. Albert really wants to win another home run derby, and next year is the year," asserted St. Louis general manager John Mozeliak. "We kind of felt like the batting practice pitcher was throwing a little too hard, and like he had a little too much movement on his pitches. That's a big reason why we brought in Smoltzy, to take his place as Albert's derby pitcher in Anaheim next year. John couldn't throw it past Chris Duncan if he tried, let alone Albert," Mozeliak chuckled.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Wal-Mart: A Snapshot of America
Here in Springfield, Missouri there are several fine Wal-Mart locations to choose from when you just have to get toilet paper, gourmet guinea pig feed, and a small paring knife at 2:30 in the morning. I happen to live directly between two of Sam Walton's bullshit emporiums, meaning that I have a wealth of options at my fingertips every day and every night. While this may seem like a luxury, both Wal-Mart locales in close proximity to me have their distinct drawbacks. First, we have the Wal-Mart on West Bypass and Sunshine, which probably has the most depleted inventory of any Wal-Mart I've ever been to and happens to be directly across from two buildings marked "X-Spot" and "Bakery" respectively. This combination of facts makes the Bypass Wal-Mart nothing more than a last resort. The other murderer of small business near me is located at Kearney and I-44 and suffers from having a terribly small Redbox DVD selection and a greeter who always wants to see my fucking receipt even if I'm carrying 18 bags and have stashed my proof of purchase away safely in my wallet between three one dollar bills and my Ozark Fitness membership card from 1999.
What does this mean for me and my Wal-Mart selection? A lot of times my fiancee and I end up heading to the Glenstone and Kearney location, a magnificent venue complete with newly finished floors and a surprisingly large entertainment section. The story I am about to tell happened at said location on a hectic Sunday afternoon. Let me set the scene for you. I've already told you it's Sunday afternoon, so you can assume that there are roughly 120-150 octagenerian couples roaming the aisles in search of dietary regulators and Sunday papers (the neighbor kids stole the one that would've been delivered to them, leaving them couponless). You can also assume that there are plenty of churchy folk who have just finished praying and singing and whatnot and are ready to fucking buy some shit. None of the people I've just generalized figure prominently in this story, but a third demographic does. Which demographic are you referring to, Brian? Hungover single mothers in their mid-30s who have ugly children with self-inflicted bowl cuts, of course!
So Kimmy and I are standing in this express checkout line and we're on deck. There's one guy in front of us and he is swiping his credit card as we speak, meaning we're about to check out and then be on our way home. Wal-Mart is packed as all hell right now, so we're in a very enviable position. Directly behind us is a woman around age 35, her bangs twirling in all directions. She's wearing an odd-fitting striped shirt and some sort of baggy jean shorts. I'm fairly certain there's something wrong with her eyes. We'll call her Tina. Right beside Tina is her eight or nine year-old son, a skinny little bastard who is clinging to their full shopping cart with his grimy left hand and holding a WWE hat in his right. You don't need me to tell you he doesn't have any sleeves. We'll name him Cody, because that just has to be his fucking name.
The express lane to the left of us opens up, and the cashier calls out to everyone that she can help the next person over there. Seeing as how the guy in front of us is paying already, there's no reason for us to line jump. That would just be greedy. We've already ascended this far in the pecking order, why crush someone else's opportunity to get out of this hell a few minutes sooner? Because I'm the nicest person in the whole world, I turn to Tina and smile, politely offering for her to go ahead and take her rightful position as the first person in line at the register to our left since we were getting ready to pay anyway. After all, we had the right of way, so it's pretty much our duty to bestow the open position in the newly formed line to the party behind us should we choose to refuse it. Tina looks at me and responds with, "That's okay," and then proceeds to move her cart and her dirty child into the eighth spot in the line to the right of us.
What. The. FUCK!
So here were Tina's three choices:
1) Remain third in line in her current checkout lane
2) Move to the checkout lane to the left and become first in line
3) Move to the checkout lane to the right and instantly become eighth in line and waste 15 more minutes of a life that has already obviously been comprised of mostly wasted minutes
I'll never know why Tina picked door number three, but what I do know is that I'm done being surprised by the logic and utter disregard for physical or intellectual appearance that Wal-Mart occupants often display. I wanted to follow her into the line she chose and explain to her thoroughly why she would have been better off doing literally anything other than what she did. She could have started screaming Journey lyrics and gorilla tossing items from her cart into nearby aisles and I think I would have respected her decision-making skills more. I mean, seriously. How hard is it? It's like a math professor walked up to her and asked her a quick multiple choice question: Which number is the lowest, Tina? One, three, or eight? And then she picked eight.
Fuck it. I'm going to bed. My face hurts.
What does this mean for me and my Wal-Mart selection? A lot of times my fiancee and I end up heading to the Glenstone and Kearney location, a magnificent venue complete with newly finished floors and a surprisingly large entertainment section. The story I am about to tell happened at said location on a hectic Sunday afternoon. Let me set the scene for you. I've already told you it's Sunday afternoon, so you can assume that there are roughly 120-150 octagenerian couples roaming the aisles in search of dietary regulators and Sunday papers (the neighbor kids stole the one that would've been delivered to them, leaving them couponless). You can also assume that there are plenty of churchy folk who have just finished praying and singing and whatnot and are ready to fucking buy some shit. None of the people I've just generalized figure prominently in this story, but a third demographic does. Which demographic are you referring to, Brian? Hungover single mothers in their mid-30s who have ugly children with self-inflicted bowl cuts, of course!
So Kimmy and I are standing in this express checkout line and we're on deck. There's one guy in front of us and he is swiping his credit card as we speak, meaning we're about to check out and then be on our way home. Wal-Mart is packed as all hell right now, so we're in a very enviable position. Directly behind us is a woman around age 35, her bangs twirling in all directions. She's wearing an odd-fitting striped shirt and some sort of baggy jean shorts. I'm fairly certain there's something wrong with her eyes. We'll call her Tina. Right beside Tina is her eight or nine year-old son, a skinny little bastard who is clinging to their full shopping cart with his grimy left hand and holding a WWE hat in his right. You don't need me to tell you he doesn't have any sleeves. We'll name him Cody, because that just has to be his fucking name.
The express lane to the left of us opens up, and the cashier calls out to everyone that she can help the next person over there. Seeing as how the guy in front of us is paying already, there's no reason for us to line jump. That would just be greedy. We've already ascended this far in the pecking order, why crush someone else's opportunity to get out of this hell a few minutes sooner? Because I'm the nicest person in the whole world, I turn to Tina and smile, politely offering for her to go ahead and take her rightful position as the first person in line at the register to our left since we were getting ready to pay anyway. After all, we had the right of way, so it's pretty much our duty to bestow the open position in the newly formed line to the party behind us should we choose to refuse it. Tina looks at me and responds with, "That's okay," and then proceeds to move her cart and her dirty child into the eighth spot in the line to the right of us.
What. The. FUCK!
So here were Tina's three choices:
1) Remain third in line in her current checkout lane
2) Move to the checkout lane to the left and become first in line
3) Move to the checkout lane to the right and instantly become eighth in line and waste 15 more minutes of a life that has already obviously been comprised of mostly wasted minutes
I'll never know why Tina picked door number three, but what I do know is that I'm done being surprised by the logic and utter disregard for physical or intellectual appearance that Wal-Mart occupants often display. I wanted to follow her into the line she chose and explain to her thoroughly why she would have been better off doing literally anything other than what she did. She could have started screaming Journey lyrics and gorilla tossing items from her cart into nearby aisles and I think I would have respected her decision-making skills more. I mean, seriously. How hard is it? It's like a math professor walked up to her and asked her a quick multiple choice question: Which number is the lowest, Tina? One, three, or eight? And then she picked eight.
Fuck it. I'm going to bed. My face hurts.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Czarist Russia?
Mastodon
Crack the Skye (2009)
Rating: 9.0 (out of 10)
There are few better feelings than just really getting into something. You know, really letting it get in your skin, flow through your veins. When you can just let your raw emotions be hijacked, taken over by grace or force,
it's a glorious thing. You can lose your constraints and just let go for just a little bit. You can forget your thankless job, your interpersonal problems, your inability to communicate, your terrible golf score last Wednesday, or whatever else it is that's been bothering you. Everyone has been there, where you just lose youself in a whirlwind of...something. For me, my whirlwind has always been comprised of music. From time to time, the right song or record hits me so, so hard that it hurts (in the good way), and for the third time in a half-decade, Atlanta's fantastic Mastodon have beaten me to within an inch of my life (again, in the good way).
Since their inception into the metal realm, Mastodon have been getting progressively, well more progressive. Gone is much of the gutteral howling, some of the relentless churning, and a few of the moments of complete and total mean-ass facefuckery. I don't mind at all, though. This is a band that's done balls-to-the-wall, face-punch metal before, and it's okay that they're calming down just a little bit on Crack the Skye.
Don't get me wrong, though; Skye still kicks ass. Whether it be the post-noodling riffage of "Oblivion," the giant hammer drop after the intro on the title track, or the more mind numbing portions of "The Czar", Mastodon haven't lost their ability to really tear shit up. All I'm saying is that, in the tradition of 2006's Blood Mountain (now probably adorned with my 2006 Hindsight Album of the Year tag), there are more sonic shifts here, more attempts at singing, and more opportunities to try and dissect the usual bizarre story the band is trying to tell. The other well-documented factor in play here is the production change from Matt Bayles to mainstream stalwart Brendan O'Brien. Rest assured, O'Brien's presence is not a problem. Despite this one really awful dream I had, he doesn't have Troy Sanders wearing a wig, and there aren't any songs that have shit to do with anything Papa Roach might write about.
This time around, drummer Brann Dailor has decided to go completely off the rails in his concept for the album. From my understanding, what we're dealing with here is a conceptual story about a parapalegic boy who inhabits the body of Rasputin through time travel. Yeah. More to the point, the record's name pays homage to Dailor's late sister Skye, who died far, far too early. So, while I haven't been able to decipher any metaphors explicitly pointing to it, Dailor may have another storyline under the floorboards here. At any rate, Crack the Skye features more actual singing, so give the lyrics and a listen and see what you come up with. It's fun if nothing else.
Another Mastodon trademark that remains untouched is the musicianship in place here; the band weaves between time signatures and in between song suites like they came out of the womb doing this shit. One minute the band has digressed into a psychedellic breakdown, the next they're churning through something that might scare a child or senior citizen. It's truly amazing, and it makes me love music. "Divinations" is one of the strongest tracks here, showcasing equal parts screaming and singing, equal parts proggy barrage and metal scowl. It makes me want to drive really, really fast and not bother stopping for anything at all. "The Czar" turns a hazy introductory segment into a mood-altering force to be reckoned with, while closer "The Last Baron" just fucks with us over and over and over again, jumping all over the map and leaving the listener wanting more of the juiciest parts. It's almost like Mastodon leads us to the figurative well to get some water and then pushes us in, only to later offer a hand to help us out. But we know better than to take it.
Crack the Skye is another tour de force from a band that has grown to specialize in such. It falls slightly short of Blood Mountain and probably Leviathan (2004) for me, but that's not a bad thing. Each of the last three Mastodon outings possess their own identity, their own strengths. All of the progressive, jazzy, and psych elements present on this album leave me inclined to wonder exactly what these southern bastards intend to do next. All I know is I'll be awaiting it with open arms and ears, reading to receive my bloody beating once again.
Crack the Skye (2009)
Rating: 9.0 (out of 10)
There are few better feelings than just really getting into something. You know, really letting it get in your skin, flow through your veins. When you can just let your raw emotions be hijacked, taken over by grace or force,
it's a glorious thing. You can lose your constraints and just let go for just a little bit. You can forget your thankless job, your interpersonal problems, your inability to communicate, your terrible golf score last Wednesday, or whatever else it is that's been bothering you. Everyone has been there, where you just lose youself in a whirlwind of...something. For me, my whirlwind has always been comprised of music. From time to time, the right song or record hits me so, so hard that it hurts (in the good way), and for the third time in a half-decade, Atlanta's fantastic Mastodon have beaten me to within an inch of my life (again, in the good way).Since their inception into the metal realm, Mastodon have been getting progressively, well more progressive. Gone is much of the gutteral howling, some of the relentless churning, and a few of the moments of complete and total mean-ass facefuckery. I don't mind at all, though. This is a band that's done balls-to-the-wall, face-punch metal before, and it's okay that they're calming down just a little bit on Crack the Skye.
Don't get me wrong, though; Skye still kicks ass. Whether it be the post-noodling riffage of "Oblivion," the giant hammer drop after the intro on the title track, or the more mind numbing portions of "The Czar", Mastodon haven't lost their ability to really tear shit up. All I'm saying is that, in the tradition of 2006's Blood Mountain (now probably adorned with my 2006 Hindsight Album of the Year tag), there are more sonic shifts here, more attempts at singing, and more opportunities to try and dissect the usual bizarre story the band is trying to tell. The other well-documented factor in play here is the production change from Matt Bayles to mainstream stalwart Brendan O'Brien. Rest assured, O'Brien's presence is not a problem. Despite this one really awful dream I had, he doesn't have Troy Sanders wearing a wig, and there aren't any songs that have shit to do with anything Papa Roach might write about.
This time around, drummer Brann Dailor has decided to go completely off the rails in his concept for the album. From my understanding, what we're dealing with here is a conceptual story about a parapalegic boy who inhabits the body of Rasputin through time travel. Yeah. More to the point, the record's name pays homage to Dailor's late sister Skye, who died far, far too early. So, while I haven't been able to decipher any metaphors explicitly pointing to it, Dailor may have another storyline under the floorboards here. At any rate, Crack the Skye features more actual singing, so give the lyrics and a listen and see what you come up with. It's fun if nothing else.
Another Mastodon trademark that remains untouched is the musicianship in place here; the band weaves between time signatures and in between song suites like they came out of the womb doing this shit. One minute the band has digressed into a psychedellic breakdown, the next they're churning through something that might scare a child or senior citizen. It's truly amazing, and it makes me love music. "Divinations" is one of the strongest tracks here, showcasing equal parts screaming and singing, equal parts proggy barrage and metal scowl. It makes me want to drive really, really fast and not bother stopping for anything at all. "The Czar" turns a hazy introductory segment into a mood-altering force to be reckoned with, while closer "The Last Baron" just fucks with us over and over and over again, jumping all over the map and leaving the listener wanting more of the juiciest parts. It's almost like Mastodon leads us to the figurative well to get some water and then pushes us in, only to later offer a hand to help us out. But we know better than to take it.
Crack the Skye is another tour de force from a band that has grown to specialize in such. It falls slightly short of Blood Mountain and probably Leviathan (2004) for me, but that's not a bad thing. Each of the last three Mastodon outings possess their own identity, their own strengths. All of the progressive, jazzy, and psych elements present on this album leave me inclined to wonder exactly what these southern bastards intend to do next. All I know is I'll be awaiting it with open arms and ears, reading to receive my bloody beating once again.
My Eyes Hath Seen Movies
Seven Pounds (2008)
Starring: Will Smith, Rosario Dawson, Woody Harrelson, Michael Ealy
Directed By: Gabriele Muccino
Rating: 6.5 (out of 10)
One of the most-discussed aspects of Seven Pounds is its emotional clout, and there's good reason for that. It is the biggest driving force behind everything that goes on here. As viewers, we spend around
90 minutes without really fully knowing what is going on, and we do so to get to the emotional apex we're lead to. While this conclusion is somewhat gratifying, and while it does tug at the heartstrings for sure, it's clear Muccino could have trimmed the fat and made the proceedings a bit less over-the-top.
Seven Pounds begins by showing Will Smith's character, Ben Thomas, huddled in a bathroom while calling 911 to report his own suicide. Things only get stranger from there. We learn that Thomas is an IRS agent who takes special interest in seemingly everyone he meets. Thomas visits all sorts of places to meet those who have tax problems, whether it be the hospital or their own homes. But what we notice about Thomas isn't that he's dedicated to his job, but that he seems dedicated to doing extravagantly nice things for people he doesn't really know. However, Muccino confounds us by also showing Thomas in a much different light, such as when he phones a meat company to complain about bad pork. Thomas winds up berating a blind salesman named Ezra (Woody Harrelson), and even calls the man's handicap into question. By the end of the phone call Thomas has asked Ezra if he's "ever even had sex before." So as you can see, in the earlygoing, it's very difficult to know what to make of Thomas.
One of the recipients of Thomas' charitable work is Emily Posa (Rosario Dawson), a young woman with heart problems whom Thomas gives an extension on money she owes to the IRS. What Thomas doesn't count on is that he falls in love with Posa and even her dog, Duke. He finds himself drawn to her, even if he knows he maybe shouldn't get so close. Several times it's very evident that Ben wants to kiss Emily, but he holds back. Seven Pounds continues forth in this manner, drawing us in and pushing us away, not really pulling back much of the curtain covering what's really going on until the last possible moment. We get hints, but we aren't likely to piece them together until much later.
The professionalism with which Will Smith handles the portrayal of Ben Thomas is absolutely what drives home the film's emotional climax. Smith wears the aches and pains of his character so, so well. Each big moment gives him another chance to shine, another chance to present Ben as a terribly conflicted man who is clearly headed toward something bigger through the film's duration. Rosario Dawson is quite good as well, as she makes Emily someone we truly like. She shows Emily as a scared woman who wants to share her life and wants to give her love, even if she may not have long to give it.
As I said in the opening paragraph, though, this movie's extremely solid build-up should have probably been given an ending devoid of well, bullshit. While I won't divulge the details here, I'll go on record as saying that the actual events that occur are mostly effective, but they could have been presented in a much more subtle, much less bombastic manner. This doesn't affect the film to a great degree, but just enough to frustrate me. What was a truly engaging and interesting movie shifts into an emotional wreck. And that's fine. But for the love of God, did everything have to get so huge and meaningful? Over-the-top emotional pomp aside, Seven Pounds is particularly arresting, and you certainly won't get bored. Add to that the performances of the two primaries and you have yourself a film well worth spending your time on.
Starring: Will Smith, Rosario Dawson, Woody Harrelson, Michael Ealy
Directed By: Gabriele Muccino
Rating: 6.5 (out of 10)
One of the most-discussed aspects of Seven Pounds is its emotional clout, and there's good reason for that. It is the biggest driving force behind everything that goes on here. As viewers, we spend around
90 minutes without really fully knowing what is going on, and we do so to get to the emotional apex we're lead to. While this conclusion is somewhat gratifying, and while it does tug at the heartstrings for sure, it's clear Muccino could have trimmed the fat and made the proceedings a bit less over-the-top.Seven Pounds begins by showing Will Smith's character, Ben Thomas, huddled in a bathroom while calling 911 to report his own suicide. Things only get stranger from there. We learn that Thomas is an IRS agent who takes special interest in seemingly everyone he meets. Thomas visits all sorts of places to meet those who have tax problems, whether it be the hospital or their own homes. But what we notice about Thomas isn't that he's dedicated to his job, but that he seems dedicated to doing extravagantly nice things for people he doesn't really know. However, Muccino confounds us by also showing Thomas in a much different light, such as when he phones a meat company to complain about bad pork. Thomas winds up berating a blind salesman named Ezra (Woody Harrelson), and even calls the man's handicap into question. By the end of the phone call Thomas has asked Ezra if he's "ever even had sex before." So as you can see, in the earlygoing, it's very difficult to know what to make of Thomas.
One of the recipients of Thomas' charitable work is Emily Posa (Rosario Dawson), a young woman with heart problems whom Thomas gives an extension on money she owes to the IRS. What Thomas doesn't count on is that he falls in love with Posa and even her dog, Duke. He finds himself drawn to her, even if he knows he maybe shouldn't get so close. Several times it's very evident that Ben wants to kiss Emily, but he holds back. Seven Pounds continues forth in this manner, drawing us in and pushing us away, not really pulling back much of the curtain covering what's really going on until the last possible moment. We get hints, but we aren't likely to piece them together until much later.
The professionalism with which Will Smith handles the portrayal of Ben Thomas is absolutely what drives home the film's emotional climax. Smith wears the aches and pains of his character so, so well. Each big moment gives him another chance to shine, another chance to present Ben as a terribly conflicted man who is clearly headed toward something bigger through the film's duration. Rosario Dawson is quite good as well, as she makes Emily someone we truly like. She shows Emily as a scared woman who wants to share her life and wants to give her love, even if she may not have long to give it.
As I said in the opening paragraph, though, this movie's extremely solid build-up should have probably been given an ending devoid of well, bullshit. While I won't divulge the details here, I'll go on record as saying that the actual events that occur are mostly effective, but they could have been presented in a much more subtle, much less bombastic manner. This doesn't affect the film to a great degree, but just enough to frustrate me. What was a truly engaging and interesting movie shifts into an emotional wreck. And that's fine. But for the love of God, did everything have to get so huge and meaningful? Over-the-top emotional pomp aside, Seven Pounds is particularly arresting, and you certainly won't get bored. Add to that the performances of the two primaries and you have yourself a film well worth spending your time on.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
tacosbeermastodon
I got off work at 11:00 PM central standard time. I really can't ever sleep after I get out of there, so I ate Taco Bell (which I love) and watched Weeds (which I love) with Kimmy (who I really really love) whilst drinking some delicious Leinenkugel's (which I love). A couple of hours later, here I am, full of beer and Bell, listening to Mastodon's newest thunderfuck Crack the Skye (which I love). I'm trying to avoid reviewing it right now because I'm terribly afraid the influence of some alcohol will tamper with my objectivity and lead me in the direction of the extensive hyperbole. But I'm seriously getting my skin rocked off, one filthy riff after another, and I'm not quite sure what to do about it. This music makes me want to grow a bigger beard, crush a dragon's head with my bare hands, and learn how to really play guitar. MASTODON. Aw, shit. Here comes "The Last Baron." I may review this thing anyway, distorted perspective or not. After all, what album is worth its weight in anything if isn't God-like under the influence of booze? Stay tuned, everybody.
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